Tayo Solagbade’s
Performance Improvement IDEAS
(PI Squared) Newsletter

NB: This PI Squared newsletter will be published weekly, on Mondays, in place of the Speaking/Web Marketing IDEAS newsletter, starting from today – 15th February 2016. I’m reinventing my Monday newsletter content and theme, to accommodate my vision of serving the growing audience of serious minded individuals and organizations reaching out to me, with information, education. news and research findings designed to help them do what they do better.

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PII 007: Parenting Is NOT A Democracy [Hint: The Need to Assert Yourself to Get Results That Matter – Lesson from True Story of a Girl Who Made Pizza Without An Oven]

“My very dear grandchildren, Thank (you) very much for (the) tasty (and) filling home made PIZZA you sent me yesterday. I really enjoyed it. God will fill (you) with His goodness, mercy (and) joy. (You are) blessed. Have a wonderful Easter Celebration (and) Remain Blessed in (the) Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. I am proud of (you).”

ABOVE: Verbatim text of the phone SMS sent by my mother to my kids, one day after they sent her their home made no-oven charcoal stove baked “African Easter Pizza” as a gift on Saturday 26th March 2016.

I share aspects of the story behind the making of that Pizza…and real world relevant experiences to be had from an incident that occurred.

If you’ve been following this blog awhile, you most likely know I write regularly on the subject of Best Practice Parenting. This article is based on that theme.

Having said that, even though I use a group of children as an example in this piece, the message applies to adults, just as much as it does to my 10 year old daughter who played a key role in the story narrated here, which is…

The Need to Assert Yourself in Relating With Others, so as to Get Results That Matter

Following one week of reminders and preparations, this past Saturday, my girls, supported by their brothers went to the market after the month end sanitation exercise, to buy ALL ingredients needed to bake home made:

(a) Cookies (b) Pizza and (c) Bread [See more photos further down]

This was NOT the first time they would be making ANY of those items, neither was it the first time they were using our no-oven charcoal stove to do it.

However, it was the first time the girls were taking a leading role in making the Pizza in particular, which was a new addition first attempted by their brothers. We had agreed that the girls would modify their micro-business model to include the Cookies they began with and other confectioneries – like Chin-Chin, Bread and Pizza.

Well, if you’re a parent, especially to teenage kids and those approaching that phase, it’s likely you’ll know that parenting can get VEEERRRYYYY messy at times.

This is particularly with reference to getting the kids to ACCEPT your guidance in certain aspects of life. I continue to remain thankful for ALL the trouble I got into as a pre-teen and eventually as a teenager.

The memories of how I caused myself and my parents/family seemingly unending pain and embarrassment have come in quite useful for me as an adult and parent (details described in Kukuru Danger, my best practice parenting book based on my childhood).

During Saturday’s exercise, we were all in our elements as usual – lots of LOUD teasing, singing, bickering etc (I have a handball team of 8 i.e. 6 kids along with myself and their mom).

At a point however, my 10 year old girl, who I’d asked to take ownership of the Pizza project, began doing some things wrong during kneading of the dough.

The 12 year old brother who had done it 2 weeks earlier, by following instructions in a Youtube video he’d watched on their blackberry, tried to correct her, so we would not have to start over if she made a mistake.

But she bluntly refused to listen. I tried gently appealing to her, pointing out the fact that we still had to make the bread and cookies. But she simply would not budge. On other days I would have let it go, but I knew we had to get it right because we’d promised their grandmother we would be sending her one of our Pizzas as a gift for Easter.

I could see she was resisting his offer to help more out of a desire to prove she could do it by herself.

In other words it was more of an ego or rivalry thing between them (he has a similar tendency).

At that point I simply raised my voice and told her:

“Look, this is NOT some democracy here! You need to accept guidance from a team member who knows more about how to do it right. Even if you’ve been asked to lead, that does not mean those you lead cannot give you good ideas to lead better with. Now, I need you to swallow whatever pride you’re feeling and do what your brother is asking you to do NOW, so we can get this thing baked!”

Before I finished talking, she’d teared up completely and began murmuring about how her brother was the one who kept distracting her etc.

I felt moved but refused to show it, because I knew she needed to LOSE that wrong mental attitude – for her own good.

So I stood my ground and insisted she wipe her tears and focus on doing it as she’d been told, nothing that life was not always fair and few people go through life doing things their way all the time.

A few minutes later she had quieted down, and was soon mixing another batch of dough, while the first pizza was baking in the charcoal stove pot.

When the third Pizza came out, she was giggling happily with excitement at the sight of them – and ultimately gleefullly championed the tasting process.

By 5.30p.m she had helped her 16 year old brother pack the 3rd (and best looking) of the Pizzas into a prepared bag, and he left to deliver it to their grandparents’ home.

The lesson I took away from my troubled childhood years, in terms of deciding when and how to assert myself in relation to others, towards achieving an outcome I desire, has helped me to stay on the right track through my adult life…

Too many of us grow up being overly concerned about pleasing others, so they can like us, and/or have good things to say about us.

I used to be that way, and like I explained in the true stories narrated in my book – Kukuru Danger – it got me into LOADS of trouble!

Life has taught me that no matter how hard you try, people will still decide not to like you if they do NOT want to like you. Same applies to what they say about you.
In addition, I learnt – the hard way – that failing to say what needs to be said to others, would often lead me (and sometimes them!) to avoidable suffering and pain…

By “others” I also refer to kids – for those of us who are parents or have to function in that role to young people.

As a parent, I’ve used thes insight to decide when to put my foot down with my kids, and when to look the other way or let things pass.

What I’ve learnt to remember is that for young people who have yet to experience life, there will often be a need to be FIRM, and not let have their way at times!

This is because YOU the adult will often KNOW more about the benefits to be had, or consequences that will result from such situation(s) or circumstance(s).

In other words, with few exceptions, young people will usually not have the benefit of YOUR experience based insights as a COMPETENT adult, that comes from having done stuff they are contemplating BEFORE them.

In such situations therefore, you’ll simply have to act based on your superior knowledge and insights, and let them learn from the benefit of hindsight LATER.

WARNING: If you’re reading this as a parent outside Africa, keep in mind that I am a full blooded African IN AFRICA, and may not necessarily hold a similar view of about parenting, to what obtains in your part of the world: Especially with regard to correcting a child!

For instance, my experiences in life convince me that best practice parents will NEVER compromise on their parenting obligation.

If a child insists on acting in a manner that requires s/he be called to order via scolding (or something more severe) a smart best practice parent WILL do the needful, without undue excess, to get the erring child back in line, for his/her own good.

My parents did that for me – and I remain ever so grateful to them for it!

If they had given me too much freedom to make up my mind whether or not to accept what they told me at those critical stages of my life, I doubt I would have turned out well at all!

Photo below shows my 10 year old girl smiling while holding one of our 3 “African Easter Pizzas” made today. You would NOT believe she was the same person who had burst into tears while kneading the dough for the Pizza – after I scolded her for refusing her 12 year old brother’s help in doing it right

She will be sharing photos and details of all they did (including recipes) on their Facebook page at www.facebook.com/TemiandOluomasCookies

Above: After baking

Above: Cutting out pieces to eat – it really tasted great. She’ll be sharing the recipe on the Facebook page later on

Below: Before baking

Final Words: The ability to assert yourself in dealing with difficult kids (and adults) can help you enjoy productive and profitable interpersonal relationships in the real world.

Be it with kids, or in interactions with co-workers or clients, the ability to assert yourself, is crucially important for ensuring interpersonal success.

Mastering it will enable you feel good about yourself no matter where you go or who you have to relate with.

An ability to assert yourself will be evident in your ability, for instance, to:

a. say NO to an inconvenient request (e.g resisting scope creep attempts by a potentially manipulative client etc).

b. speak your mind to insensitive others so they stop speaking/acting inconsiderate

An IN-ABILITY to assert yourself can make you a very unhappy and de motivated person!

You owe yourself something better – as a parent, as well as an adult in society.

No parent or guardian likes to have kids who refuse to take him/her seriously or show due respect and consideration. Same applies to our relationships with adult others.

But making that happen will require effort on OUR part, to get others to respond appropriately!

That’s why I recommend you start practicing the art of asserting yourself in relating everyone around you. Stop thinking it’s wrong to insist that others do what is right by you – and which you know in the long run will also benefit them.

If you master it, others will appreciate you more – and you will feel more fulfilled!

Photos: Truly super tasting “Soft and airy” home made bread baked (using our no-over charcoal stove) by my 12 and 14 year old sons, after their sister was done making Pizza.

Below: The Cookies baked by the boys…

The 2 boys closed out at past 9p.m with baking cookies (which the girls began making over a month ago) – BUT most of the cookies emerged partly burnt…as they left them too long on the charcoal stove…possibly because fatigue was setting it…!

See photos of better efforts by the girls on their Facebook page – which they sold last month…

PS: Some adults – who are also parents – remain blind to the fact that acquiring money making skills EARLY in life is critical for success achievement in today’s world.

This is due to the upbringing they had, especially as it relates to formal education they received.

I continue to offer insights into steps I’m taking to prepare my kids to acquire crucial income earning competence – and money making awareness – ahead of adulthood. Wise parents will do the same!

SDN Blog™

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